Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Un-addressed Letter

That letter I wrote,
But never could post.
That moment of clenched fist,
In a moment, life was lost.
In the first few lines
I wasn’t sure
In all truth, I say
You would had to endure
As I could not make myself to confess
As also the fear of your no or a yes?
I knew though, once
My feelings are known to you
You will understand
Why I was drawn to you.
You were the one who made me realize
The difference between the setting sun & sun rise!
By the end of the letter
I had only repeated myself a million times
My desperation was getting crazy
There were no reasons, no rhymes.
All I wanted to know, is that you know
And smile back, as I loved you so.
May a rains have passed by now
Your address has rubbed off the envelope
But on some winter nights, I still
Imagine, hoping against hope.
I thank, Almighty; for keeping it sane
My sweet memories, sweeter, they remain.
12th February 2014
(sometime in 1995)

Sunday, February 09, 2014

This pain is priceless

inspired by a Bengali poem/song by @shayan - a Bangladeshi singer and social thought bearer (a long read; only for vella folks like me!)
This pain is priceless
Found an old book; while dusting, opened it
Only to see, the name….
Misty eyed, got reminded; of that long lost friend
Who gifted it to me…
Whiling away time, morning till evening
Straying, we loitered on city streets
Kicking dust, walking aimlessly;
Singing old and new songs
Without any inhibitions.
Never, did we hold hands.
But we knew our worlds,
Were entwined to meet at the end of the road.
There were fights and arguments,
And good times; when we laughed encore
Reminded of those days together
I realize now; I still cherish your company
I know I have lost you. And it pains, endlessly.
But I need to keep this pain; this pain is priceless.
Why do we keep burying emotions, as we grow up?
We keep adding acquaintances and losing friends, as we grow up, why?
There is no news about you; I don’t know your whereabouts at all
But I do remember times together, happy and sad
We were partners; soul mates, feeling in equal measure.
Today in this selfish, mad rush of the world
Let me confess for once, in my fading remembrances
I have forgotten to remember you so many times
During my vulnerable moments, happy and sad
Yes, I have learnt to live alone
And frankly, I don’t need a friend anymore
But, in all this supposedly completeness of my life
There blows a sudden gush of vacuum
May be, just may be it’s you
I don’t think we will meet again, ever
But still I do hum our happy song sometimes.
Am sure you are living a good life
I too am breathing just fine
But there are times when, in a crowd of people known to me
Where I am not alone; but lonely.
That one last time we had met
Silence was being spoken, instead of words, between us
We knew reasons; yet kept it repressed within 
In our hearts, we still believed this would get better.
Never ever, did we imagine we would walk away.
The heart acting as the crossroad
To the final decision of our lonely destinations
This world too, played its clever game 
And made us heartless to each other
Our egos fuelled the fire
And burnt our dreams of desire
We both won; battle of ego
But lost the war to win over the world
To live together forever.
I know I have lost you. And it pains, endlessly.
But I need to keep this pain; this pain is priceless.
In celebration of that worthless win 
Today as I reminisce those days
There is a sweet pain of your memory
And hurt to have lost you purposely.
Am not sure though; suddenly why,
At this point in life you are running through my mind
It’s almost past a lifetime, that we have met
To speak the language of silence again,
Through our eyes and touch.
I try to sketch your last look at me
That stare, the smile, the innocent rage
And then imagine, how would be your look now
Every time, I fail.
My falling tears, wash away your face from paper.
I have a blank page; and blank space on my mind.
The whole expanse of the sky falls on me,
Drenches me in your memories, soils me within and takes me adrift
Breaks me and kills me slowly, everyday.
I wish no one loses a friend like you were to me
I pray no friend says good bye, the way we went away, silently.
I know I have lost you. And it pains, endlessly.
But I need to keep this pain; this pain is priceless.
10th February 2014

Friday, December 27, 2013

Unknown traveler

Though we have never met
And don’t think we ever will
I don’t even know you yet
You will never come to know, I exist.

Though we have not spoken
We have exchanged voices
I have called you out and heard you whisper
waking me, every morning

Though we have never taken a stroll
But I have lost and found you, everyday
You have been my crowd
I was on the train, you missed.

Though this message will never reach you
Or may be it will; may be it has
You may not take the train anymore
I wait for you, though.

27th December 2013

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

"Protected Feelings"

Anyone I meet, I look for you
Whoever I talk to, I want to know what you would have said
I hear the words you never said
I agree with you.

I confess to myself I need you
And then I console myself for it
I promise not to ask the same question over and over again, to myself.
I confess again.

You have become the reason for my existence
Your smile is my sunshine, your voice is my compass of life
The words you speak weave my thoughts together
Your eyes tell me what I should believe
The flow of your hair changes the rhythm of my heart
Your fragrance lingers, never to leave me alone

And I watch you from a distance
As a stranger in a new town
You have always lived with me, but
I don’t exist for you.

Secrets are not kept, they should be protected
I will protect you from the world
And keep you away from me
I always knew, we were never meant to be.

And yet I hope for a day
When you will know
There was someone who walked by
Asked you for an address, to live forever in oblivion

30th April 2013

Monday, April 22, 2013

Impossible Hope

I have to learn to avoid asking questions, answers to which are known and may hurt
I have to steer clear of dilemma, which I know will only entangle me more

I start speaking and then I halt
I start listening and then stop hearing you even, suddenly
I keep looking back as if waiting for something to come by
I desire for things, of no use to me anymore

I want to be in a crowd when I am desperately alone
And among swarm of people, I try to find my identity
I need to speak out
I need to listen to you
I need to hear my voice and know that you are listening to me

Unfulfilled desires, for how long will they remain so?
Is it possible to yearn for the impossible and yet hope I will return to you?

22nd April 2013

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

We just haven’t met yet, so what?

All my desires seem fulfilled by one look of yours
All I desire is you, when I think of you
We just haven’t met yet, so what?

If the only way to meet you is to dream of you, so be it
If the only way to have you near me is in my dreams, so be it
You are my dream; I shall meet you every night

You are my thirst and you are the quench
You are my thoughts, and my talk
Who else do I speak to about you, but myself?

You are my reason for all seasons of the heart
I skip a beat when you look at me
I breathe only because you are in my life
You are the journey, you are the destination
We shall meet one day.
We just haven’t met yet, so what?

Monday, December 24, 2012

Excited yet Pained

I wasn’t just happy, I was excited.
Excited to see my past. 
Excited to meet people I hadn’t met in years. 

I wasn’t just delighted. I felt ecstasy.
Ecstatic about nostalgia
Ecstatic about today.

It wasn’t just joy. It was thrill
Thrilled to see old faces with new smiles
Thrilled to meet new people with old stories.

I wasn’t just in bliss, I felt blessed
Blessed to have been there; to have been sent there.
Blessed to experience these emotions.

I wasn’t just sad, I was pained
The lingering pain of waiting another year to meet again
The static pain of not meeting some people, ever again.

 - 22nd December 2012